What is me & who I want to be

I was hoping I could avoid this post, but after 2 days since Saturday - nothing has changed. There is so much in my mind right now, thinking too much moves me to tears. Man, not going to lie…everything around me reminds me of you.

• souplantation - the time we ate there and you told me you hate souplantation but would go for me (but you liked the chowder)
• the Duffy doll next to me - it is a representation of you - how Minnie gave Mickey a doll to remember her when he was away (except our story is opposite)
• the Keroppi next to me - you won it for me at the LA Fair 
• the hawaiian quilt I’m lying on - from your mom as a ucla going away present
• the phone I have - yours
• working at the office - you got me the job

tbc

Well, Bryce suggested we should take a break…and I reluctantly and by default agreed. What I mean is…I did not want a break but did not have any compelling arguments to persuade him that we should not. We both agreed we need to reevaluate our priorities and hearts. I need to think and pray about a lot of things - for me personally, for him personally and for us both. I need to think if I can balance a relationship with Bryce, my relationship with God, school and etc (friends, family, leisure). Can I balance all these things without giving less attention or an unfair amount of time to any of these “priorities”? I need to think about my attitude. Am I bitter from the names I’ve (sometimes) have been called? Will I be able to brush it off and stay composed and instead of wallowing in pity, prove myself? Will I be able to always give the best of me, and when I’m anything less - have the strength to ask for space? I need to think about my heart. Is this truly what I want? Is this a marriage material relationship? Is this something God wants for me? I need to think about Bryce. How can I benefit him? What are my strengths that can help him? Do I treat him with respect, love, and compassion? Do I bring out the best in him? How can I encourage him? What does he respond best to? I need to think about me. Will I be ok with the things I need to change? Can I act less child-ish? 

Ah, there is so much to think about. God, I pray, that through this week you be with us both as we reflect upon the last six months of our relationship. Thank you for blessing me with this man who I know has a heart for you. Thank you that Bryce has been so kind to me and has shown me my weaknesses and strengths. I ask that you would please reveal your wishes for our relationship. I pray that we can stay together, because I love Bryce. But God, I know no love greater than you. Will you please reveal yourself, and your love in the words we read this week. Please help us this week truly seek you, and your will. God, for me, I know it will be a struggle because I always think about myself - so how will I know what you want for me? Please God, just be with us, your presence gives us peace. 

Thank you God, for this man, for this relationship, and for your faithfulness. 

Goodnight God, I love you, and trust you.

Amen.

i never thought i’d be the girl who makes you choose between me or one of your close girl friends…but it’s my insecurity - these girls dress nicer, have bigger boobs, are sincerely sweet and you “click”

it’s my jealousy - i want to be the one who makes you happiest, who makes you laugh the hardest, who is your first choice always

and it’s my selfishness - i want you to be mine, and mine only.

• i want to wake up next to you every morning and have your soft voice whisper goodmorning
• i will make you breakfast, lunch, and dinner 
• i will be your supporting woman - i will to be there to listen to everything you have to say
• i will encourage you - with letters in your lunches, post its in your car, and every day 
• i want to sing while you play guitar to songs like lets stay together and always only you
• i will 

so many thoughts and feelings, ugh! i’m a mess right now. i dislike it at ucla. i had way too high expectations coming in here and now, look where i am. it sucks. i haven’t made many friends and people i do meet most of the time don’t remember my name or my face! i thought i’d come here and find this group or at least one new person who understands me, and we could joke and hang out, and vent - but it has yet to happen. today when i talked to someone about success - i defined it as finding real relationships that aren’t temporary. if i can leave ucla with relationships that are solid, true, impacting and satisfying, then praise God - I will be happy! i just feel so purposeful-less here…i was doing more at home! or, what am i doing here that i couldn’t do any where else? what makes UCLA the place for me? I DON’T KNOW. I hope that the answer will be revealed to me soon. it’s just such a depressing and painful situation to be in…i feel alone and hopeless. even worse, i feel like i’m in a pool of self-pity which is disgusting. i want so much more of my life and if this is anything of a glimpse of what it is, then God, please steer me clear from this path, it’s not for me! 

there is no purpose for this post - just to vent and hopefully in a few months to be able to see growth and direction. God, i’m counting on you to take me out of this one…i can’t do it alone. light the path and lead me to where i should be.